Family values, love, and mutual benefits are some of the important things we consider when we choose our partners. Even though in the Western world certain dos, don’ts, expectations, and repercussions are set before most marriages move forward in the prenuptial agreement, in Nigeria, the rules aren’t the same. There is always the option to dissolve every marriage by returning the bride price and, culturally, it is not a do-or-die affair, but when conversation tilts towards divorce, in many cases, it would have to be against all odds to dissolve a marriage. Except for strong-headed families and prideful families, even in extreme cases of domestic violence and adultery, the first instinct of our elders is to remain in your home.
Between the statistics and the concerns from marriage experts about the increasing divorce rates among young couples, and social media rants about women not being as pious as our mothers, I can see why things are different now. Read on to see why I believe marriages lasted longer in simpler times.
Marriage in the 70s
Child marriage was common in Nigeria, and it still is… sadly. We were told stories about how back then, when a woman gave birth, a friend or neighbor would visit with gifts. They would place a token under the child’s pillow, and just like that, she is married to either the person who placed the token or the person on whose behalf it was placed—usually another child.
Arranged marriages are also great, of course. According to studies, the divorce rate for arranged marriages is 4%, which is even promising when you compare it to the abysmal 40% divorce rate seen in love marriages. I am not sure how things work in India and other Western countries, but when you see arranged marriage in Nigeria, there is a good possibility that it is likely an underaged child being forced into marriage. Our grannies and some of our mothers were considered women when they had their first period, hence were married off almost as early as 11 years old and had all their children at 15-16 years old.
Divorce in The 70s
During this time, girls weren’t allowed to attend school. Not like it was a law, but it didn’t make any sense. “What’s the need?” they said. She should learn to sew a dress, braid hair, cook, and clean, so that when the family is pressed for cash, we could marry her off to a “big” trader in the next street, and maybe he would look after her siblings.
Consider this: what option does a 16-year-old child with 4 children, no education, barely any skills, and calling her husband “daddy” have to exit an abusive home or an unfavorable situation? Can she even tell? Could you even speak up about it? To date, “child brides” who run back home are still bundled back to their husbands.
So you see, marriages lasted longer in the 70s and 80s. I don’t want to say it was because women didn’t have a choice, but yes, it looks like that.
The 90s marriage
I have a little purview of what marriage looked like in the 90s. Women were educated, but not too educated. There were even more love marriages than arranged marriages because the global economy was favorable and money had more value. This was the era when men would blatantly order their wives to quit their jobs and take care of the home full-time. As a result, we see many educated women being relegated to being housewives, but they were educated enough to speak up and a bit more daring enough to exit an unfavorable marriage. Not for all, because again, the previous generation set, it wasn’t so simple, so they stayed regardless. And so their instinct is to encourage you to stay, “he is your husband, whatever he does you should endure.” it honestly isn’t their fault, they experienced worse, probably.
Divorce in the 90s
In the 90s, getting a divorce was an absolute shame to your family. So, there were countless things to consider: Can I get a job? What do I tell my parents? Do I want to bring shame to my family? And even if I want all of this, will my parents be on the same page?
Seems like the parents being on the same page will be a no-brainer because she must have confided in her parents more than once, but believe it or not, if she decides to her home for whatever reason, and her family refuses to return the bride price, she is stuck as a separated woman who cannot remarry and even, in some cultures, have a relationship with another man because she is technically still married. For instance, in some parts of the Igbo tribe, if a woman steps outside of her marriage, the belief is that she would run mad, and if her husband eats a meal prepared by her while she is having an affair, he dies. Now, this is a popular belief; it could be a folktale or just a cautionary tale, but regardless of the complexities and uncertainty surrounding this belief, no one wants to be a scapegoat.
Once again, while women had a few more choices in the matter, there was a lot to consider from the kids, for finances, culture, family, and other factors. Even just considering these huddles, I would probably just stay married and hope and pray for better days ahead. It’s simply just easier.
Marriage In The 2000s
If you asked me, ill say, that this is the coming of age for women and even men, some men are rejecting and speaking up against distasteful habits, beliefs, and practices. Parents (not all) are starting to believe and accept that female and male children are the same. Women in our generation are educated, and thanks to media and technology, women are exposed, vocal, and more independent.
Even so, I believe that the high divorce rate isn’t simply because people don’t value marriage anymore. A significant factor is an incompatibility between couples because women have evolved so much from the 60s through to the 2000s and men are holding on to an archaic standard because it favors them.
divorce in the 2000s
I’ll explain that men born in the 90s were brought up in homes where they went out, worked, and returned home to clean clothes, homes, and well-prepped meals, which is great. But, besides these, some also grew up in homes where fathers had a toxic level of dominance, while their mothers endured domestic violence, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse. Sadly, some expect the same level of piety from their partners, where the man dictates and the woman submits, which would have been great except for the evolution I hinted at earlier. Women are educated and independent and also have and insist on keeping their jobs, so if there is an event that warrants taking that big step, many women would be happy with simply prioritizing their own well-being.
Read Also: Understanding Domestic Violence: Types and Prevention
Conclusion
Hear it from a millennial: getting married is for a lifetime. Will I be submissive? Well, it depends on what your definition of submission is. If you mean protect, support, love, and cherish, then absolutely yes. But then if you mean idolize, “wait on,” and, well, probably not. With the right priorities, aligned goals, personal values, and evolution, marriages would last. And even when one or both partners are perfect, one partner can grow out of love and fall short of the commitment, and that is also fine. Like every other 2000s woman, the goal and priority aren’t to remain in an unhappy and sometimes life-threatening union that seems admirable to passersby but to live a happy, fulfilling life for yourself regardless of societal norms.
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